Structure

I don't know what it is about this word, but it chokes me.

To me, structure has always meant:
thinking inside the box...
sticking with the status quo...
a lack of creativity...
being on time...
sequentialism...
conformity...

My entire life I have tried and failed to follow the rules...
Send birthday cards to the people I love
I'd much rather call
Send thank you notes after receiving a gift
I'd much rather call
Be on time
I'd much rather wipe away my daughter's tears
Wear trendy clothes even though I don't look good in them
I'd much rather be comfortable
Decorate my home according to the pages of a magazine
I'd much rather be surrounded by things that are meaningful to me
Make small talk
I'd much rather get into deep discussions about politics, and God, and relationships, and stupidity
Cultivate new friendships for the sake of being popular
I'd much rather use my limited time to nurture the wonderful friendships I already have
Get my kids overly-involved in activities so they can be the "best"
I'd much rather spend my time playing and talking and allowing my kids to BE kids
Teach content, teach content, teach content
I'd much rather connect, connect, connect
Be sequential
I'd much rather embrace the randomness of life
Keep my opinions to myself
I'd much rather drive the bus than ride it

I often find myself compelled to work within these imposed "ideals."
Instinctively, I resist.
My core
My soul
Consistently work against the structure
That forms the rules of our daily lives
And often compromises my integrity.

That integrity
That voice
comes from...
Authenticity
Connection
Love.

I will listen to it.

I will perform
the Heimlich
on the word
Structure.